Laziness Has Its Limits

Posted inColumns, Things I Hate

If I have dedicated myself to anything over the past 37 years, it has been laziness. From my days as a child when one of my brothers had to carry me upstairs to breakfast to now when I will skip dinner because I don’t feel like microwaving popcorn, I have done all I can to avoid the extra step.

But I have seen some things lately that truly disturb me. I think our smartest people should spend their time making our lives easier, but they seem to have taken a wrong turn.

While walking around a store recently, I saw a contraption that sent me into a tizzy. I stood in the aisle and just shook my head.

Breaking Free

Posted inColumns, Family

Something happened a couple of weeks ago that made me dance and sing for joy. Unfortunately, it didn’t involve the purchase of a big-screen TV or a certain combination of numbers on a lottery ticket. Still, this was pretty special.

We said goodbye to sippy cups in our house.

Cutting the Cord

Posted inColumns, Music

I have collected a lot of stuff over the years. I can’t really think of any other way to describe it. I just have a lot of stuff. Inevitably, I run out of places to keep this stuff despite my best efforts. If there is something I can do pretty well, it’s hide junk where no one – including myself – will ever see it again. But it’s getting harder.

Some of this stuff haunts me nearly every day. The chair where I usually work on my laptop sits right next to the tower containing my CDs.

I have a pretty decent music collection. Some of the CDs go back to college. I even have the first CD I ever bought in there, R.E.M.’s debut album, “Murmur.”

I also have a bunch of duds. Sometimes I would look over at the stacks of CDs and wonder what possessed me to buy some of the selections.

A few weeks ago, I took a bold step forward. I decided to sell my CDs on eBay.

Sleeping with the Fishes

Posted inColumns, Family, Pets

When my wife told me 10 days ago that the goldfish had died, things went much differently than the other times we had to deal with this situation. She broke the news to me almost as an afterthought.

“Oh, do you want to tell Dad about the fish?” she said to Bridget one night after dinner.

“No, thanks.” Even in her grief, our little girl never forgot her manners.

Can’t It Wait?

Posted inColumns, Family, Things I Hate

My wife asked me a silly question a few weeks ago. A question that bothered me. A question that made me wonder if she had spent the day nipping at the cooking sherry. She asked me what I wanted for Christmas.

I had to look at the calendar to see if I had pulled a Rip van Winkle and slept through all of November. We hadn’t even started to think about Thanksgiving and she wanted me to decide what I wanted for Christmas.

What I really want for Christmas is for people to wait until after Thanksgiving to talk about Christmas presents.

Scooter?

Posted inAmerica, Columns, Stupid Nicknames

Our government has disappointed me greatly. This has nothing to do with who sits on the Supreme Court or anything silly like that. This has to do with a great issue of national security.

How can an adult who voluntarily uses the name “Scooter” get national security clearance?

This issue should cross all political and social lines. America should stand together to right this terrible wrong. I don’t see how we can remain silent.

America may have a serious political problem on its hands, but we can never get to the bottom of the matter as long as we keep having to wrap our minds around the concept of someone named “Scooter” working in The White House without a job that involves delivering mail.

Brilliant Disguise

Posted inColumns

I can’t stand Halloween. Not because people in Hanover have managed to turn the holiday into a week-long celebration. Not because I have to explain the unique trick-or-treat setup to all my non-Hanover friends. Not because my daughter gets all the candy and I get jack.

I can’t stand Halloween because I can never come up with a good costume.

This isn’t anything new. I have had this problem ever since I was a kid.

The Perfect Song

Posted inColumns, Music

Some people look at the youth of today and worry about the direction we are headed in. Not me. I have seen the future, and I like it. At least three times in the past few weeks, I have seen young men wearing “Back in Black” t-shirts.

What does a few AC/DC t-shirts have to do with the prosperity of America? Everything, I say. A generation that does not respect the classics is a generation I don’t trust.

We have survived Eminem and countless other threats to the taste of our youth. We have taken a look at the latest female pop singer and had our fun before moving onto something else. We have even indulged Green Day, 311 and other power rock acts.

None of that matters. It all comes back to AC/DC.

Travel Tips

Posted inColumns, Things I Hate, Travel

My wife and I went away for the weekend recently to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We came back relaxed after a splendid weekend. But I have a bone to pick with some of the people who also spent that weekend in Cape May, N.J. You people need to learn how to travel.

I’m no world-traveler, but I have taken my share of trips, particularly to historically relevant places. Maria loves visiting historic houses, so I know the drill pretty well.

That’s why I couldn’t get over the number of indecisive people we encountered. I don’t expect people to plan a detailed itinerary each day, but they could at least have a clue about what they plan to do when they set out for the day.

Poker Face

Posted inColumns, Gambling

I’m the king of the world! Well, not really. I’m the king of the poker tournaments at KClinger’s Tavern.

Well, not really. But I was almost the king. And that has to count for something.