Possum Hunting

When we bought our house, we chose an in-town location for several reasons. We liked the price. We liked being able to walk downtown. We liked our quiet street. I had one other reason for liking the location. I wouldn’t have to deal with any wild animals. I grew up in the suburbs. We did live near some woods so we had to deal with mice a few times growing up. Other than that, I limited my exposure to animals to visits to the zoo.

It’s not just wild animals. My mother-in-law used to own a couple of horses. Maria took me in the pasture once and I nearly fainted.

I fear a new animal now, but it’s a little smaller than a horse. Actually, it’s a lot smaller than a horse.

We have an opossum visiting our yard.

My Destiny

As I approach the end of my 37th year, I have had an epiphany. I finally realize my true calling. I exist to give people something to laugh at.

Don’t mistake this for a pity party. I’m pretty excited actually. I have slowly come to grips with my ability to make a fool out of myself.

My moment of clarity came 10 days ago when I fell down Federal Hill in Baltimore.

I didn’t actually fall as much as I careened down the top slope of the downtown landmark. Somehow, I got it in my head that I could race a friend to the bottom.

Luckily, she realized the folly of that idea and had a wonderful view from the top as I hurtled out of control to my fate.

Did I mention that all this took place during a department retreat for work and the friends witnessing this exhibition were my co-workers? I sure know how to spice up the day.

Un-American

We went to a party at a friend’s house a couple of weeks ago. They used to be teachers, and they continue to throw an “End of the School Year” cookout. The party coincides with their oldest child’s ninth birthday. The day after the cookout, they were taking him out for a special birthday dinner.

He got to choose anything he wanted. When I was 9, I would have wanted pizza. Or hamburgers. Or pizza and hamburgers.

He chose sushi.

I had to wrap my mind around the concept of a 9-year-old even being exposed to sushi much less choosing it for a special birthday dinner.

What is happening to this country? Children don’t like sushi. Children don’t know sushi.

Children eat pizza or hamburgers on their birthday. Sushi is completely un-American.

Thriller

We started a very important stretch of the summer this past week. I really need to stay focused or everything could come crashing down around me. It’s carnival season.

Up until a few years ago, I had never visited any of our local carnivals. Then we had a kid, and I needed to entertain her somehow.

I’m totally hooked. You know those TV shows with parents obsessed with making their kids into sports stars or actors? Well, I’m gonna be a carnival Dad.

I need Bridget to love carnivals and amusement parks. Need.

10 Minutes

I read about a research study the other day that has finally determined a question we all have. How late is late? You have a good 10 minutes and 17 seconds before you should call and say you are late. Well, at least that’s according to some British researchers.

They always seem to be so darn polite over there, maybe we could get away with waiting a little longer.

I love this kind of news because I’m not always the most prompt guy in the world. I need to set my clock a little fast sometimes so I don’t get a late start.

But that always backfires because I mentally adjust the time I added whenever I glance at the clock. I don’t know why I even bother.

I’ll Fix Europe

I read the other day that the French voted against the proposed European constitution. The Dutch have also voted against it, but the first move pretty much doomed the document from ever being adopted. At first, I wanted to rail against the French for being stupid and ruining everything for the rest of the world, just like they always do. Then I realized that the problem didn’t lie with the French. Well, not the whole problem because we can pretty much assign a little bit of blame for everything to the French.

That’s what makes them the French.

A Nation Weeps

We need the greatest minds in America to step up. A great public injustice can be solved using the same kind of forward thinking that put a man on the moon, developed digital cable and made supersizing possible. We don’t have enough gas grills with coolers attached.

I had the same reaction you probably just had. Shock, disappointment, hunger.

Men walk this earth with very few reasons for existing. Cooking meat over an open fire is one of them.

My True Calling

I often think I missed my calling. Writing should be a hobby, not my main profession. The confirmation of that fact came this past week as television networks released their fall schedules. Television needs me in charge of things.

You sometimes hear about the drug problem in entertainment and the schedules clearly reflected the depth of that problem.

I know I have what it takes to replace the people in charge of planning the schedules. I don’t need some fancy degree from film school or an extensive marketing background.

Through diligent research, I have compiled a mental database of what works and what doesn’t. The warm blue glow of the television has instilled me with supernatural powers.

That has to trump the drug-addled brains of today’s executives.

Taking Chances

I have taken some chances in my lifetime. I have driven too fast. I once mouthed off to a 305-pound All-American defensive lineman. I even bungee jumped. But nothing compared to the situation I put myself in a couple of weeks ago.

I volunteered at my daughter’s preschool. For two and a half hours, I found myself at the mercy of 14 4- and 5-year-olds.

Bridget could not wait. She had waited all year for me to find a time that fit into my schedule. I actually could have done it earlier in the year, but just didn’t take the time.

Maria had actually volunteered several times already this year. After each time, she said the same thing.

“I can’t wait until you have your turn.”

Gambling Man

When the news broke that a group had formed to try and put a slots casino in Gettysburg, I knew I couldn’t sit idly by. I had to make my voice heard. I had to stand up for what I think is right. I had to join the cause.

I had to do everything in my power to make the plan become a reality.