Fashion – Regular Guy

Searching for the Perfect Pair

brian — Tue, 15 Mar 2022 00:10:34 +0000

Not all sweatpants are created the same.

I have come to understand this truism over the past six months or so. Blame the pandemic.

I appreciated sweatpants long before COVID-19 appeared. But the way I lived my life – constantly running from activity to activity – meant that I did not get to wear them as much as I wanted.

And even when we found ourselves isolated at home, I probably wore them less than other people. I can only blame myself for that.

I feel like I need to put what we call “hard pants” on in the morning before I start working. I really had trouble motivating myself without getting dressed up at least a little bit. That meant I didn’t change into sweats until the evening usually.

But I found myself unhappy with my sweatpants situation as we approached cold weather late last year. So I invested in a few more pairs. This is where the inequality of sweatpants comes into play.

I generally rotate through four pairs of sweatpants (with some pajama bottoms occasionally thrown in on weekends when hard pants just aren’t going to happen). And I have even started changing out of my jeans around lunch to rock sweats for the rest of the day.

There is clearly a pecking order to these pants. At the top are the two pairs that are a little thinner fabric-wise. The other two pairs rank lower even though they keep me warmer. Again, I can only blame myself for this.

One pair – which I actually bought at the very beginning of the pandemic – suffers from a fatal flaw. They have no pockets. I can’t understand how anyone lets this happen in the manufacturing process. Who makes sweatpants without pockets? I still try to slide my phone into a pocket when I wear them.

When I bought another pair of thick sweats late last year, I checked very carefully to make sure that they had pockets. They do and are very comfortable. I missed one other thing though. The drawstring has these metal tips that clink around whenever you walk.

I probably like those sweatpants the most, bt I like wearing them the least. So the thin sweatpants win out for now as I remind myself to check for yet another thing in the product description in my search for the perfect pair of sweatpants.

Uniform Confusion

brian — Tue, 03 Sep 2013 11:26:30 +0000

A friend posted a first day of school picture on Facebook recently. Her son looked ready for his first day of kindergarten at their nearby Catholic school.

I recognized this kind of picture very well. In fact, I have seen many like it, especially as social media provided a ready outlet for these kinds of photos. But this one set me off for some reason.

What has happened to Catholic school uniforms?

I don’t know if I have the complete right to complain about this since I send my daughter to public school, but I suffered through 13 years of school without having any real freedom in my wardrobe so I have walked the walk.

Now I know these kids can’t wear whatever they want, but the schools might as well let them. The cute little boy I saw on Facebook had on a comfortable polo shirt and dark trousers that he could wear pretty much anywhere outside of school.

Where are the ill-fitting grey slacks that you wouldn’t wear to a funeral? Where is the white dress shirt? For the love of God, where is the ugly maroon tie I had to endure through elementary school?

On the surface, the whole point of uniforms is to make everyone look the same and instill a look of discipline. In the background, however, I think someone wanted to make Catholic school children look silly.

Somehow, the schools have lost that edge, Maybe this has to do with fewer nuns in the school. Some of the ones I had carried a bit of a sadistic streak. But even back then, you saw signs of weakness.

At some point in my elementary or middle school career, the uniform changed slightly to compensate for winter weather. Boys could now forego the shirt and tie combo to wear a turtleneck (which had to be white, of course). Girls could also wear a turtleneck, but had one more scandalous exception.

They could wear pants. Yep, my school caused a stir in the early 1980s by letting girls wear grey pants and a turtleneck instead of the always-stylish maroon and grey jumper with a white blouse underneath.

I think all of this falls under the same concept as gateway drugs. You take one thing which leads to another and another and the next thing you know you’re living in the gutter. You start to let boys wear turtlenecks and girls wear pants and the next thing you know uniforms almost turn trendy.

My daughter actually bought the uniform skirt from a local Catholic school in a thrift store because she liked how it looked. Of course her friends who have to wear it every day were appalled, but she thought it looked nice and would go with some of her other clothes,

I’m sure this development led some nuns to roll over in their grave.

That’s why I had trouble looking at that cute little boy on the first day of school. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame his parents. I blame the person who approved the first turtleneck more than 30 years ago. Didn’t they know that parents paid good money to make sure their kids wouldn’t be comfortable at school?

Pushing the Fashion Envelope

brian — Tue, 22 May 2012 16:53:52 +0000

When I first saw the shoes, I knew I needed to have them, even for a joke. You never know what you will find when the Clark’s store has its warehouse sale. I hit the jackpot this time.

Not the exact shoe, but you get the point

Since I have small feet, the semiannual event can really help me out. I can find a good selection at a really good price. I went in this spring with a few things in mind, but never expected to see this pair of shoes, much less walk out with a pair all of my own.

You see, I don’t have the greatest fashion sense. I have probably covered this in the past, but I’m pretty basic when it comes to clothes. I don’t do “outfits” and stick with a few basic color combinations so that I don’t embarrass myself.

If I don’t go out on a limb, I won’t look like a fool. I can still pull off a pair of madras shorts (or at least I think I can), but I have enough sense now to make sure I own a plain shirt in a coordinating color. When in doubt, I just let my wife decide.

That’s why I worried she would put the kibosh on these shoes. Never in a million years did I think that Maria would encourage me to buy a pair of white suede bucks. But she did, so I decided to get them.

This is what can happen when I see a good sale. Usually I make decisions like this on electronics or some knick knack I think will look good in my man cave (but will never get hung up or installed because I’m just plain old lazy). I don’t impulse buy fashion.

I waited close to a week before I actually bought the shoes for a variety of reasons. First off, the place was a zoo on the day I saw them. Secondly, waiting a week to buy a pair of shoes which don’t fit into my usual wardrobe choices pretty much qualifies as an impulse buy in my book.

I also needed time to run things by some of my friends. I trust my wife’s opinion implicitly – she also agreed that the shoes would work well even as a gag – but I have some male friends who really follow fashion trends. They probably see white bucks as an essential item, not a bargain buy for kicks.

A lot of times, I wonder how we remain friends, especially after an intense discussion recently about packing – they think I pack too little, I think they go way overboard. But they really came in handy as I groped my way through the darkness of fashion-forward thinking.

Once I heard some ideas from them about how to work the bucks into my wardrobe, I really knew I had to get them. I might not even to get a pair of white pants to go with them, although I’m not too thrilled at the prospect of buying a white belt before I qualify for AARP membership.

Now all I need is to find a croquet party or garden brunch to attend.

Stop Popping

brian — Sun, 04 Sep 2005 17:36:28 +0000

As a child of the 1980s, I am an expert on certain topics. I remember when MTV actually played videos and you could turn to ESPN for sports. I remember “The Simpsons” when it was just a short on “The Tracey Ullman Show.” I remember when women swooned over Jon Bon Jovi.

Oh yeah, I also remember how silly guys looked walking around with the collars on their polo shirts raised.

Apparently, this fashion mistake has started to make a comeback. I have come to tell the young men of today – stop immediately.

I went to an all-boy’s Catholic high school in Baltimore, so I have the credentials. When you graduate from one of those places in 1986, you carry pretty solid preppy credentials.

The thing about the raised collar is that, regardless of how cool you think you are, you are never cool enough to pull that look off.

I may have tried to walk around with this look a couple of times, but always had the notion in the back of my head that people were just going to laugh at me. They would have been right.

But I had a head start. I was a short, geeky kid with glasses and a big mouth. Of course I would have trouble pulling off a dubious fashion trend.

Looking at pictures from the past, however, shows that pretty much anyone who walked around with their collar raised looked pretty silly. Especially when so many of the pictures include a guy with his arm around a girl and a plastic cup raised in the air.

I don’t know how or why this fashion has started to return. What’s next? Way-too-short OP shorts? Really big decorative belts for girls? Mirrored sunglasses?

The thing about the 80s is that everything created an illusion of reality of cool, but things weren’t cool at all. We must have been drugged or something. Not only did people think raised collars looked good, we actually believed that Tom Cruise could fly a fighter jet.

At least these days, we realize Tom is a couch-jumping, psychiatrist-bashing, cradle-robbing nutjob. If we have figured that out, why do we let people walk around with raised collars?

When we went to the Delone Carnival earlier this year, we saw a bunch of guys wearing matching pink polo shirts and madras shorts. They all had their collars popped.

I didn’t know what to do at first. Slowly, I realized that the coordination of outfits indicated that they were mocking the fashion.

That was beautiful. When groups of teenagers are mocking their peers fashion sense – with color coordination no less – the jig is up.

So let’s all do the world a favor and turn down a collar when you see a poor, misguided young man walking around with it raised. He’ll thank you for it some day.

Or, you can take a picture of him, hold onto it and embarrass him in front of his kids in 15 years. That actually sounds like more fun.

Attention to Detail

brian — Sun, 31 Jul 2005 17:41:24 +0000

Everything was perfect. We arrived at the hotel in New Jersey last Sunday with plenty of time to spare before my nephew’s wedding.

We found one of my sibling’s rooms and made plans on where to meet before going to the church.

We enjoyed some of the complimentary microwave popcorn that the hotel provided so we wouldn’t starve before dinner at the reception.

We even got to watch some of an Austin Powers movie while we got dressed. Like I said, everything was perfect.

Until I went to put on my shoes.

I had managed to bring two shoes. I managed to bring two black shoes. I managed to bring a left and a right shoe.

They were from two different pairs. I couldn’t believe it. One wingtip and one plain black shoe.

At first, I wanted to scream, to curse, to throw them in anger. But that’s hard to do when your wife is laughing at you.

She didn’t laugh that hard, which is why I love her. She did make me realize that no one would probably notice.

Except for a little detailing, the shoes didn’t look that different. The heel height was similar, so I wouldn’t look like a war veteran.

That could have been pretty cool though. Imagine the stories I could tell. In college, we once convinced girls from another college that my friend on crutches had hurt his knee and missed a chance at playing hockey in the Olympics.

I could have gone for something like that, but I hardly look like someone who has had his athletic hopes dashed by a freak injury. Unless my sport of choice is competitive eating.

But the fun of creating a new identity would be dwarfed by the mocking from my siblings. As the youngest of eight, I have learned the hard way that if I do everything right, I will get teased. If I do something wrong, I will really get teased.

So we headed off to the church, and I looked for every conceivable way to keep my feet hidden from sight.

An hour or so later – beautiful bride, lovely ceremony, yada, yada, yada – and we were off to the real test. The reception.

I hoped we would head right to a ballroom where the lights would be dimmed for romantic effect, and to keep me from looking like a fool with unmatched shoes.

No such luck. The first hour and a half consisted of a cocktail reception under a tent outside the reception hall.

The sun was shining. I took a deep breath, grabbed a beer and hoped for the best.

With about 30 family members on hand, I figured I would just keep moving. The best strategy was to go from group to group so I didn’t stand with someone long enough for them to look down at the ground and discover my secret.

The plan worked perfectly, partially because we were all too busy keeping a lookout for the guys carrying trays of appetizers. They would barely make it inside the tent without having to go back for a second round.

Finally, they called for us to go inside. The room was dark enough for me to finally relax.

When I told several of my siblings the next day, one of my brothers just shook his head silently. I guess they finally have to accept that I’ll still continue to do goofy things, but they’re going to have to be smarter at figuring them out.

Jean Insanity

brian — Sun, 09 Jan 2005 18:22:58 +0000

I did a little shopping after Christmas. I enjoy a bargain just like anyone else, so I wanted to see what I could get on the cheap. I made out OK. I got a DVD (the first season of “Arrested Development”), two pairs of pants and two pairs of shoes.

All told, I spent about $120. I generally would not like to part with that much money for clothes, but the sales helped me pry open my wallet.

Thank goodness I’m not a trendy woman.
Don’t take that as a knock on the female gender as a whole. But an article I read over the holidays almost made me fall off a chair.

Did you know that women will pay almost $200 for a pair of jeans? One pair.

I don’t think I could put together an outfit from my entire wardrobe that cost $200. Maybe if I wore two layers.

One woman estimated she had spent $10,000 on jeans over two years. Some of them have even come with pre-made holes. I live in the only thing I have spent $10,000 on in the past two years. And I could probably pay it off quicker if I sold the old jeans in my closet for more than $100.

The boyfriend of one of the women profiled in the story had the most sane outlook on the whole thing. “They should cook you breakfast for that much money.” He’s letting them off easy. I’d want surf and turf.

Luckily my wife doesn’t have extravagant tastes in clothes. She was equally amazed by the story, which almost celebrated expensive jeans.

I wondered if we were an anomaly. Maybe everyone else is buying up these special jeans and walking around with magical powers while we suffer in our ignorance. So I asked some friends how much they would spend on jeans.

I only found a few friends who would spend more than $50 for jeans. And a bunch of them were male. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Someone told me that polling my friends probably didn’t hit the target market for $200 jeans. That’s true, but I didn’t want a cross-section of opinion. I wanted people to tell me I was right.

Still, I couldn’t believe what I had read. They had to be making it up. No one in their right mind could buy one pair of jeans approaching $200, much less fill an entire closet with $10,000 of denim.

So I went to the place where we can find all the right answers – the Internet. If you read it online, it must be true.

I did a search and found some of these brands of jeans that these women can’t live without. These people are laughing all the way to the bank.

One of them charges $132 for a denim mini-skirt. I could probably salvage enough fabric from the jeans I don’t wear to make a half-dozen of these the things are so small.

The company (I’m not giving up their name until they pay me for advertising their scam) starts their jeans at $121. I can buy three DVD players for that much. And probably have money left over for a pair of jeans.