America – Regular Guy

Bragging About Nothing

brian — Mon, 16 Mar 2015 13:04:29 +0000

I have to admit, I used to do this. I still might do it on occasion, but I try to avoid this particular annoyance as much as possible these days. Partially because I realize it doesn’t matter, but mostly because I have realized how stupid it sounds.

People have to stop bragging about not doing things.

I’m not talking about the not doing things that I admire, like spending a whole day on your couch in sweats watching TV for no good reason. That is admirable and should be shared with the world. I’m talking about the kind of not doing things that annoying sports business writer Darren Rovell tweeted about over the weekend.

Realize it’s not what majority want to do, but it’s my 8th year of not filling out a bracket. Don’t think I will ever go back.

— Darren Rovell (@darrenrovell) March 15, 2015

This one got me for a couple of reasons. First of all, I love March Madness and fill out brackets like they are going out of style. I have done this forever so the fact that not filling out a bracket is some sort of badge of honor just makes me roll my eyes. Second, it was from Rovell, who is a twit.

But this isn’t just about March Madness brackets. We see it with any cultural phenomenon. People like to brag that they don’t care about the Super Bowl or Super Bowl commercials or the Oscars (I have been guilty of that) or pretty much any sports or pop culture event that brings people together.

I like some of those things and don’t like others, but why should I or anyone else feel compelled to puff our chest out when we aren’t interested in something a lot of other people like? Twitter and Facebook, that’s why.

I love social networks like those, but that’s pretty much the whole reason for this. People who love these events talk about them a lot, and those who are not included feel like they need to join the conversation if only to say they don’t want to join the conversation. It’s the ultimate “look at me move.”

Which is why the ultimate “look at me” guy Darren Rovell was the one that kind of set me over the edge. As I said, I am sure I have done this, usually with the Oscars and Grammys. I think I have learned my lesson. If you want credit for not doing something, you’re probably the kind of guy people don’t want joining them while they enjoy their favorite things. So just shut up.

Up All Night

brian — Tue, 02 Sep 2014 11:45:59 +0000

Sometimes, life gets in the way of some pretty important experiences. Take the recent television marathon of every episode of “The Simpsons” ever produced.

I admit that I don’t have the same affinity for the legendary cartoon that some people do, but this event really caught my attention. Just because I can’t remember which season was the best of pull out obscure quotes doesn’t mean I’m not thrilled by the idea of showing a couple decades worth of a TV show in order.

The problem is that I have a job and a family and a life. All three of these things are completely incompatible with seeing how far I could push my body before I collapsed out of exhaustion.

For the record, I probably wouldn’t have made it more than 20-some hours. I don’t have the stamina that I did when I was a kid, but it would have been fun trying.

OK, that’s not completely true. I probably wouldn’t have lasted much more than 20-some hours as a kid either. As much as I wanted to stay up for ungodly amounts of time watching TV, I could never do it.

The task had greater obstacles back in the day. I remember looking through the TV Guide – yes, kids, we actually had to look through a printed publication to see what shows would be on TV when I was young – to plot out marathon viewing sessions.

These sessions only existed in my mind. First of all, I would always find gaps in the schedule where nothing good was playing, even in the early days of cable TV. Second, the presence of my parents and siblings never guaranteed me unfettered access to the TV. Lastly, I’m a wimp and would conk out in the middle of the night regardless of how much soda I drank.

I can only think of a few times when I overcame this inability to satisfy my urge to stay up for long hours simply so I could tell people I stayed up for long hours. None of them involved television.

I managed long spells awake two of the times I flew overseas. The first time, when I was on a high school trip to England, I stupidly took some generic caffeine pills because I heard that’s how kids in college pulled all nighters. I didn’t feel so good afterwards.

One time in college, I stayed up all night to write an important paper, turned the paper in, went to my classes and worked the entire next night at the campus newspaper. I may have napped a little, but I was probably up for close to 48 hours.

When I finally got to my fraternity house, I went to our TV room to wind down before sleeping. I threw a quarter in the soda machine – which also had beer interspersed in it because we ran the thing ourselves as a cruel game of Russian roulette – and promptly got a Milwaukee’s Best.

I sighed, dropped another quarter in the machine, hit the same button and received another beer. My friends celebrated because that was the lone double whammy they had put in the machine.

Chagrined, I sat down, drank both beers and slept for an eternity. I guess I will never find out if 48 hours of Bart Simpson could replicate that slumber.

In Defense of ‘The Big Bang Theory’

brian — Tue, 26 Aug 2014 17:56:16 +0000

Sometimes, I feel like I should address this subject as if I am attending a recovery meeting.

“Hi, my name is Brian.”

“Hi, Brian.”

“I think The Big Bang Theory is a quality television show.”

Actually, that kind of meeting wouldn’t require the anonymity and potential shame that can come with a gathering of folks in recovery. The show has a massive following.

That speech is probably better suited for some special group of folks who like the top-rated CBS comedy, doesn’t consider it pandering and also enjoys “smart” comedies like Parks and Recreation and critical darlings who did not attract enough viewers to get a chance at a sustained run like TBBT.

I point this out only because some of the most virulent criticism of the Chuck Lorre show, especially in the wake of Jim Parson taking home another Emmy last night, comes from places like Warming Glow, a pop culture site which I enjoy except for its slavish devotion to Community creator Dan Harmon. (I like his show, but the fanboy following is over the top).

My big mistake came when I waded into the comments there and said some things and some other people said some things and I went and clicked the check box which stopped sending me e-mails whenever people replied to my comments because, well, the Internet.

I don’t know why I feel compelled to try and defend a show which does so well that it’s top actors will earn $1 million per episode this year. They don’t need my help. Plus, I really don’t care if other people like TBBT or any other show I like. My God, I watched Raising Hope to the bitter and can’t wait for the final season of Cougar Town. I’m not making my choices based on popularity.

I guess I just take offense at the criticism (from places like Warming Glow) that if you like TBBT, you have no taste and only watch TV to not think and don’t understand comedy. I think I understand comedy pretty well. I watch a lot of shows that critics love. I cut my teeth on M*A*S*H*. My family watched Cheers before it became a national hit.

Sure, Chuck Lorre brought us Two and a Half Men before TBBT, and that brought us Charlie Sheen’s antics and a shocking Emmy for Jon Cryer and the whiny guy who played the kid and then railed against the show. But should the scientists from California pay for the sins of that show just because they share a creator?

I love Parks and Recreation, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t find fault with Brooklyn Nine-Nine, also from the brain of Mike Schur. But the mob mentality against TBBT seems to have to more with reputation than people having actually watched many episodes of the show.

First of all, the cast is pretty damned good. Many wring their hands over Parsons winning another Emmy, but I think the bigger problem with the award system is the lack of recognition for Kaley Cuoco for her performance as Penny. I don’t think she should win, but a nomination would go a long way toward rewarding her for what I feel is the role that makes the show work.

Secondly, the show hardly relies on one simple premise. It’s not just making fun of nerds. For instance, the Leonard-Penny relationship has, in my estimation, handled the “will they or won’t they” with more alacrity than most TV shows with the same dilemma. The ways they have each tried to expose the other to things outside their comfort zone really strengthens the relationship. I doubt the critics could actually discuss those in depth because they haven’t watched enough to see the

Thirdly, who cares what nerds think about it? Community isn’t judged by what people at two-year schools think. Parks and Rec fans don’t worry about the thoughts from municipal leaders. So why do the people who criticize the show often say, “look, even nerds hate it!” It’s a TV show, not a referendum.

Lastly, the way the writers have made adjustments over the years, adding characters to the universe while showing how that affects the other characters and giving them all some sort of social tic to throw something else into the mix has helped keep the show fresh (and let those who discovered it in reruns come into the new shows with a sense of discovery).

I don’t expect the people who hate the show to change their mind, but I selfishly wanted to go over this because it seems like the debate has devolved into nothing but “it sucks” vs. “big ratings.” The reality lies somewhere in the middle. Let’s hope the discussion can get there at some point as well.

The VCR Connection

brian — Tue, 25 Feb 2014 20:26:50 +0000

As I looked through an advertising circular recently, something caught my eye. I didn’t particularly need the item, but knew I had to share the information with the rest of the family.

Someone – I don’t remember the store – had a DVD player on sale for $20. I drifted into old man mode and remarked that I could not believe a DVD player could cost so little even though these kinds of deals have existed for a few years now.

I guess the deal caught me by surprise because already have a DVD player. Since we don’t even watch them very often, I hadn’t checked out prices on new players for a while.

That didn’t stop me from thinking back to a time when buying a device to consume media didn’t cost less than a tank of gas. Of course, this notion amused our teenage daughter who finds discussions of things like typewriters and record players and VCRs a constant source of comedy.

So we started talking about the time when my wife and I bought a VCR together. We had been dating for less than a year. Our mutual love of television spurred this decision, quite possibly the first major one in our relationship.

Yes, we’re the kind of people who mark “jointly buying a VCR” as a major moment in our life together. Deal with it.

This was sometime before the spring of 1993. I don’t remember exactly when we made the purchase, but I do know that we used the machine to record the final episode of “Cheers” that spring. I worked nights back then so could not guarantee that I would see this important event.

We approached the decision very rationally and figured that we could easily justify the cost, which was significant back then for two folks not making a lot of money.

If we had a VCR, Maria could catch up on shows if she fell asleep in front of the TV. Then I could come over to her apartment the next day to watch the shows I missed while working. Better yet, we could watch our favorite programs together on the weekend if we wanted.

So we went to some big electronics store in Lancaster and took a leap of faith. I cannot stress how much this signified the strength of our relationship for me. If I made a TV commitment with someone, it was pretty serious.

The whole thing worked out wonderfully in the end. I couldn’t have written a better script. Oh, yeah, Maria and I stayed together too.

I have no idea whatever happened to that old VCR. In fact, we don’t even have one in the house. I thought of that recently as I came across a box of old video tapes while looking for something else in the basement.

I managed to sell the last VCR we had at a yard sale a couple of years ago. That meant I had nowhere to turn to look at those tapes, some of them which had no identification as to what they contained.

I guess I could always go to the store and buy a new one. That wouldn’t take as much of a commitment as it did 20 years ago, but it would probably cost more than a DVD player.

Saving America

brian — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 14:54:31 +0000

I know what America needs. I don’t mean I can solve our myriad political and social problems. That’s an impossible task for anyone to challenge.

But I know what to do so we can all smile again, as long as we forget all those political and social problems. This may sound ambitious, but I know how to make everyone happy again.

All I need to do is to convince some of the biggest stars of television and movies to band together for a televised weekly variety show. Oh, and I need to convince a network to broadcast the show.

No big deal, right?

I fondly remember the bygone days of television when the people we loved would show up on the Carol Burnett Show or the Love Boat or Battle of the Network Stars. However, the whole notion of branding – as well as network competition – has stopped a lot of that.

“Scrubs,” one of my favorite shows ever, tried to reunite all the people who had an impact on the life of J.D., the main character, in the finale. But some actors could not do it because their current show on another network would not agree to the appearance.

These walls have started to come down a little since then, partially because of the Internet. Actors who are friends off screen will work together on a small project for online release just for fun. Adam Scott from “Parks & Recreation” has led four installments of “The Greatest Event in Television History,” which are merely goofy remakes of old television intro segments padded with hysterical back stories.

Watching those as well as clips from “Saturday Night Live” and some of the late night talk shows convinced me that we need to harness all these forces into one weekly hour-long show that will eventually solve all of our problems.

We can individually surf the Internet and share links for a laugh, but why not focus the star power into sixty minutes one night a week? The cast does not have to be regular – one week we can feature Paul Rudd, Jimmy Kimmel, Amy Poehler and Mindy Kaling while the next can spotlight Tina Fey, Jennifer Lawrence, Adam Scott and Jon Hamm.

And, of course, Justin Timberlake will stop by every week just because.

I defy you to find someone who would not find this concept entertaining. Zooey Deschannel could swing by to sing a little, possibly a duet with Ed Helms playing the banjo that sounds awful on paper, but would ultimately end up charming us. Then there would be a sketch that somehow involved James Franco, Sandra Bullock, Adam Palley and Alyson Hannigan.

If you like to waste time like I do and follow some of these folks on social media, you would see that they really want to do something like this. We need to stop searching the Internet for clips of their funny work from various shows and pack it all into one, big package.

Of course, whatever network agreed to broadcast this would probably put it at 10 p.m., and I would never be able to stay awake for it so I would have to watch the clips individually online. But the show would exist, and we would all be happier. That’s what really counts.

Do the Olympics Have Sports Anymore?

brian — Tue, 14 Jan 2014 14:21:27 +0000

I’m sure everyone has heard the news by now. Due to a knee injury, marketing plans for NBC’s coverage of the upcoming Winter Olympics are up in the air. This knee injury may prevent millions of Americans from watching the Games.

Well, that’s the version I gleaned from my online interactions. In reality, American skiing star Lindsey Vonn announced she couldn’t ski next month at the Olympics because of an injury to her knee.

But why worry about the health and dreams of an athlete when we can talk about marketing plans and commercials?

I know that makes me sound curmudgeonly, but if it’s curmudgeonly to actually care about the sports more than the ratings, I’ll wear that badge with honor.

These days, I occupy a strange niche of sports fans. The sports themselves mean more to me than any of the stuff which goes on around them. The television networks, however, have little time for my kind because we’re a dying breed.

I do feel bad that Vonn won’t be able to ski in the Olympics, but this notion that she will kill the way NBC promotes the competition is just silly. Instead of breathless promo after breathless promo about her, we’ll have anguished profile after anguished profile about how her dreams have been dashed.

While that stuff is going on, people like me will be screaming at the television, “There are actual sports happening right now! Show them to me!”

Crazy, right?

Despite the fact that television coverage of the Olympics does everything it can to show us as little actual competition as possible, I remain entranced by the spectacle. As a kid, I dreamed of one day wrestling in front of the whole world on that stage.

Back then, Bruce Jenner ended up on the Wheaties box after he won his event. The post-game plans for athletes these days come way before anyone steps on the medal stand and sometimes don’t even reflect who won the competition.

Things have improved a little bit with the ability for NBC to stream sports online. Folks like me can tune into the things they love to watch that way and leave the “Today Show” treatment to the prime time program aimed at people who may not care who wins or loses.

I should learn to appreciate this development. I can plan my own schedule instead of sitting through teaser after teaser for something they will only show in a heavily-edited package at 10:50 p.m. That kind of stuff happens far too often these days.

So while NBC frets over how to re-frame the storylines they pre-determined months ago, I will scour the Internet for the best time to catch some curling action or live coverage of biathlon, one of those sports that continues to fascinate me.

As long as they don’t try and compare someone who hurts themselves to Lindsey Vonn, I’ll be OK. I don’t have anything against her. I just want to focus on the things that actually happen at the Olympics. I’m a weirdo like that.

Shelf the Elf

brian — Sun, 22 Dec 2013 14:44:43 +0000

One of the guiding principles for writers is the “rule of three.” Basically, using three examples for something tends to work better, especially in comedy. But as Mike, my oldest nephew, recently pointed out, the theory also applies to parenting.

You see, Mike has three kids with a fourth one on the way. He and his wife both work. In short, they have enough on their hands as it is. He figured the rule of three worked in his favor – he only had to worry about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy with his kids.

But some parents just can’t leave well enough alone. Some parents need to up the ante for their kids, thereby potentially putting pressure on other parents to follow suit. Some parents love the Elf on the Shelf.

Since my stance on this particular new tradition has already generated some heat privately, let me just say that I do love Christmas and really don’t care what other parents do. I just agree with Mike that the Elf can violate the sacred agreement between parents that we stick to the fat man at Christmas, the chocolate-loving bunny and the sprite with a dental fetish.

The elf might seem like a goofy little tradition that makes the holiday season a little more fun in your house. I don’t doubt that. But think of the 5-year-old who comes home from Christmas wondering why the magical being who visits his friends doesn’t come to his house.

This is a whole lot different than “Why can’t I get the bike that Sally has?” because 5-year-olds think of magical elves and bikes as one and the same. The things that someone else has simply exist as temptations regardless of what they are.

It’s kind of hard to tell your child that the magical elf assigned to your house just really has a busy December because end-of-the-year reports are due and someone has to carpool everyone around town, so there’s just not enough time to move from place to place in the house, all with increasingly humorous situations because what good is a holiday tradition if you can’t share it on Facebook?

The elf – which is actually based on a holiday tradition from the family which wrote the 2005 book introducing the craze – already has complicated rules in place. Children cannot touch the elf. The elf only moves when children are asleep. The elf magically leaves on Christmas Eve.

So to keep the sanctity of the rule of three, let’s add another rule: you can’t tell anyone outside the family about the elf. That way, parents can have their fun little game, kids might be scared into thinking a slip of the lip can ruin everything, and parents who don’t use the elf can blame an older sibling’s big mouth on why the Elf on the Shelf doesn’t come to their house.

Things already get complicated enough around the holidays with a million Santas running around. We don’t need rogue elves making life more difficult for parents.

Who Am I?

brian — Thu, 05 Sep 2013 11:28:48 +0000

Sometimes I wonder what I have become. I still think I have my usual fun outlook on life most of the time, but come across moments where I don’t recognize myself.

That happened recently when I had one of those special opportunities I get a few times each year. My wife and daughter went away for a few days, and I had the house to myself.

I miss them terribly when this happens, but I also enjoy playing “single guy” in the house for 48 hours or so.

They left to visit friends on Monday morning, and the entire work day consisted of me looking at the clock and wondering what kind of fun I would create when I got home.

But when I got there, nothing happened.

Well, not nothing, but nothing of consequence. I exercised, had a nice dinner and then pretty much just chilled out before going to bed at a decent hour. I even resisted one of the siren songs of being home alone and slept without the TV on all night.

I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I had stayed up a little later than normal the previous night and felt kind of tired. In the past, however, I could push through that. I would find something stupid on television and stay up past my bedtime. This time, I just couldn’t do it. I was too tired.

Even if I can explain my need to get a reasonable amount of sleep, I still have trouble accepting my decision to simply heat up some leftovers for dinner.

Sure, we had some really good pulled pork leftover from a visit to my mother-in-law’s the previous afternoon. And the baked beans we also brought home looked so good.

I would normally take this opportunity to buy a bunch of meet, throw all of it on the grill and stock up the freezer with lots of lunch choices for the next month or so. That didn’t happen this time.

I knew we already had some things in the freezer. I wanted to remain responsible and focus on leftovers first before I went and cooked more food. I also thought if I worked out and then grilled, I might throw off my plan to get to bed early.

Just laying all this out is starting to depress me. I used to revel in my time alone, but now all I have to hang my hat on is how I didn’t make the bed until the absolute last minute and left mail and newspapers spread out across the dining room table for most of the time. I, of course, arranged them in neat piles before my freedom ended.

But none of this new-found responsibility came because I worried I would upset my wife (Ok, the bed thing did). I made these decisions only to make my own life easier.

On the bright side, I did go out and eat wings and enjoyed a few drinks past my bedtime the next night. So I know I still have that spark. I just hope I can do it two nights in a row in the future.

Halloween Back on Track

brian — Wed, 04 Sep 2013 11:27:54 +0000

I knew the look in her eye. I have seen it a lot in recent years as I found myself more involved in community events.

The look told me that the brain was saying, “I know I can do this, but I have so many other things to do, but I really know I can handle this, but I also like to relax once in a while, but if I don’t do it, there’s a chance no one else will step up.”

I won’t say who I’m describing because, in reality, I saw the look in a lot of people’s eyes earlier this week when a bunch of people got together to discuss planning for this year’s Hanover Halloween parade. Don’t let the pronoun confuse you – men and women alike got this look in their eyes, including me.

In the end, we managed to divvy up a bunch of tasks and generate a lot of enthusiasm to keep one of the area’s best traditions going and, hopefully, avoid the rush we find ourselves in right now.

I feel bad for the Jaycees, who officially manage the parade. Once you get involved in anything these days, you quickly realize that only a few people end up doing the work. We could get into the cultural reasons why, but that would just soak up valuable time we could use to actually solve problems.

The good news is that I think the parade is in good hands for now. I’ll do my little bit, others will do even larger bits of work and everyone will have a great time on Halloween. Yeah, the parade is on Halloween this year so that will be cool.

I never doubted that help would keep the event alive. Even though I know that groups like the Jaycees and many others in the area suffer from the same shrinking volunteer base, I also know that many from other groups would step up. I also knew some would do it not because they belonged to a group that felt like they needed to help, but just because they cared.

That’s how parades end up running smoothly. And chicken barbecues. And the many other events that so many people consider an important part of living in a small town.

But just because we left the meeting excited and focused does not mean that the work has ended. Keep an eye out (especially if you are on Facebook) for news on future meetings. Consider finding your own way of taking part in the planning or execution of the parade even if you just want to donate money to help support the prizes.

If you can’t, try and find something else where you can pitch in because some of the people around that table are adding this event to other volunteer efforts. Join a service club or see if a big event needs another set of hands. You will be amazed at the things you will learn and the fun you will have.

Feeling Quite at Home

brian — Mon, 05 Aug 2013 12:40:41 +0000

I felt right at home inside the bar. Now that might sound like old news to people who know me well, but this situation had a different element.

The bar in question was in Cambridge, Mass., and I had never visited the place before. When I exited the subway station, I had to walk down the block a bit to make sure I was in the right place. But things felt familiar once I stepped inside.

This had nothing to do with the décor or the beer selection, although I found the latter quite impressive. I felt at home because I hadn’t seen the bartender in close to 20 years.

When I found out I would go to Boston for work in late June, I did the same thing I did whenever I start planning a business trip – I try to figure out what kind of fun things I can do in my free time.

Sure, I looked forward to giving my first presentation at an important industry conference on this particular trip, but the chance to explore Boston and maybe catch up with some friends really took priority.

I spent a lot of time hanging out with Jeff in college. He ranked as one of my closest friends during that time. I wouldn’t say we caused a lot of trouble, but so many of my great memories from that time period involve Jeff (and maybe an adult beverage or two).

We stayed in touch for the first few years after school ended. He graduated a year before me and managed to visit a few times. We saw each other at a few weddings, including my own in 1995 when he enjoyed razzing me as I waited for the ceremony just to see if he could make me more nervous.

But I hadn’t seen him since that day in October 1995 until I walked into the Boston bar where he works. When the planning for my free time started for this trip, visiting Jeff took precedence over everything else.

I have entered the time in life when I start to get extra sentimental over things like my college experience. Everyone experiences this, but I think it affects me more since I rarely see people who made such an impact on that important part of my life. Sure, we stay in touch via Facebook (which is a lifesaver in this regard), but nothing beats sharing a drink and some memories with someone who was there as you developed into the person you are today.

That’s why I felt at home walking into that bar. I knew I would have a good time regardless of any outside influences. The fact that he had to work while we talked didn’t matter. The band which played later merely added to the story. The other people who wanted to bend his ear just reminded me why I always had a good time with Jeff.

Nothing exciting happened that night, but it ranks as one of the best days of the year for me. Now I just need to re-kindle many other friendships. I know I can do it, one beer at a time.