Bingo!

Posted inAmerica, Columns, Family

I had an idea several years ago. I wanted to go to every local carnival and make up a t-shirt with the information about each one like a rock tour shirt.

That plan fell apart for two reasons – my daughter and I saw our carnival attendance diminish, and I’m lazy.

We just had too much going on to get to many carnivals anymore. When she was little, those trips filled the gaps on Saturday nights when my wife worked.

With fewer free weekends (and fewer carnivals- another bummer), my genius t-shirt idea faded away.

I thought of all this recently as we headed to the Delone carnival. Bridget wanted to go with a friend, so Maria and I went along for the ride.

When we arrived, I realized we had entered a new era of carnival attendance. No longer would we walk around and watch from outside the kiddie rides. We needed to entertain ourselves while the girls walked around.

Getting something to eat only killed so much time. We had no intention of going on any rides, especially since it was drizzling. We had to come up with something.

Bingo.

Look at the Brightside

Posted inAmerica, Columns, Family

At some point, I will get used to the scene. I hope I don’t, however.

This thought ran through my head late on a Saturday night as I jumped up and down and sang “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers at the top of my lungs. I also attempted to catch the moment on video at the same time.

I haven’t turned over a new leaf and started to attend dance clubs. I merely went to a family wedding, an event where we celebrate the union of a wonderful couple by dancing and singing a song about jealousy and paranoia to close out the night.

Umbrella Wars

Posted inAmerica, Beach, Columns

Everyone should have the chance to enjoy their vacation how they please. However, the week I just spent at the beach with my family convinced me that more and more people should hire us as vacation planners.

For instance, we would strongly urge you to resist the temptation to buy one of those large umbrellas you see at the store. Sure, you might think that the purchase will save you money over renting an umbrella from those folks who sit at the top of the beach.

Saving money doesn’t always make the most sense sometimes. This is one of those important instances.

Street Kayaking

Posted inAmerica, Beach, Beer, Columns, Drinking, Family, Now That's Funny

When I woke up last Friday, I knew we had a problem on our hands. The morning of our last full day at the beach brought a whole lot of rain.

We had already weathered the storm – literally. The rain came the day before as well, but we filled the time with crafts, Bingo and a group viewing of “Sharknado.”

I didn’t know what another rainy day would bring, however. We got very lucky with some incredible weather to start the week, and, in reality, we have had great weather for a number of years straight.

But what’s a group of close to 50 family members to do when the weather turns sour – really sour – on vacation?

Kayak in the street, that’s what.

Missed Opportunity

Posted inAmerica, Columns
When I first saw the official-looking letter, I got worried for a second. After all, you don’t expect to get mail from federal court. But then I looked closer. The…

Turn TV Good Again

Posted inAmerica, Columns, TV

We have a problem, people. A problem with our television sets.

Actually, I feel no animosity toward the sets themselves. The developments in television technology never fail to astound me, and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

But the things that appear on my screen have started to bum me out more and more. I have always kind of felt this way, but the whole thing turned very clear when I saw a promo for a new show starring Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte.

Those unfamiliar with Mr. Lochte’s work might have trouble telling the difference between clips of his show and a Saturday Night Live skit. The whole thing looks incredibly awkward and painful, mainly because Lochte is about as smart and engaging as the goggles he wears in competition.

But for some reason, folks have decided that we need to see a show following him around as he tries to market himself, meet women and create absurd catch phrases. And to make things worse, some folks have decided they want to watch this.

Save Olympic Wrestling

Posted inAmerica, Columns, Olympics, Sports, Wrestling

I have had the good fortune to take some really cool trips in my life. When I think back over them, one stands out in particular.

In 1984, I went to Los Angeles with two of my brothers to see the Olympics. Back then, a 16-year-old had a chance to get pretty good Olympic tickets with his two older brothers without breaking the bank.

We found lodging with a sibling of a family friend, managed to get tickets to three of the six freestyle wrestling sessions in the ticket lottery and figured we would just wing it for the rest of our time at the Games.

I will never forget seeing Randy Lewis execute some wacky reach-back throw in his gold medal match or hearing the scream of the Turkish competitor as American Mark Schultz used what was later ruled an illegal hold to break the Turk’s arm. As a young wrestler, I thought I had found heaven even though the Russians and many other top wrestling nations boycotted the Games.

Now we have to wonder if future generations of wrestlers will get a chance to experience the same thing, either in person or on television. The executive board of the International Olympic Committee decided to drop wrestling as a “core sport” starting in 2020.

Crabcake Confusion

Posted inAmerica, Columns, Family, Food

To be honest, I got a little cocky. I can only blame myself.

My wife went away for a few days recently, leaving me in charge of everything – the house, the meals and our daughter. I had complete control.

In the days and weeks leading up to this time, Bridget and I giggled over having the freedom to not put a clip on a bag of cereal of chips, just daring the food to go a little bit stale. In other words, I showed my true maturity level.

When we had the house to ourselves, we didn’t go nearly as crazy as we may have intimated, but we certainly had a little bit of extra fun. We didn’t have many bags we could leave unclipped, but we turned the TV up a little louder than usual and had no regard for normal rules of when the day’s newspaper moved from the dining room table to the recycling pile.

Like you, I am amazed the police never showed up to calm us down.

Fictional Worries

Posted inAmerica, Columns

The kids just wanted to help their Dad. They thought if they surprised him by washing the car, he would appreciate their pluck and initiative.

They didn’t mean to leave the windows open. They never intended to fill the inside of the car with water and suds. The plan didn’t involve making things worse.

Their Dad didn’t mind. He shrugged it off and laughed because he just wanted to spend some time with his boys. My wife, however, was appalled at the lack of concern everyone involved had for the inside of the car.

The car wash scene appeared in a commercial, but that didn’t allay Maria’s concerns. Even though I assured her that the boys didn’t set up a camera and damage the car while secretly filming the scene which would later be turned into a television advertisement, she still had trouble accepting the scene.

This has turned into a recurring theme in our house. My wife’s good heartedness has extended to worrying about the fates of fictional characters.