I think all of us breathed a collective sigh of relief last Wednesday when the barrage of political ads and telephone calls ended. I don’t know about you, but I felt like certain people were stalking me with the number of times they left a message on our answering machine.
But another election always lurks around the corner. That’s why I don’t want to wait too long to announce the Shea for President in 2016 platform.
I have done this before, but I didn’t throw my hat in the ring in 2012. I can say all kinds of things about not wanting to run against an incumbent or wanting to spend time with my family, but I can only come up with one real excuse. I forgot.
So I don’t want to make that mistake again when the big job comes open four years from now. I don’t really want to declare at this point which party I will let choose me to lead their slate of candidates. That would ruin all the fun of the next four years.
Once again, I have a few key elements to my vision for America that have not changed since I first started this quest in 2004. I will outlaw basic cable, the national anthem will change to Neil Diamond’s “America,” and the day after the Super Bowl will turn into our newest national holiday.
I find those truths self evident. I also think that should easily vault me above the rest of the field, but I don’t want to rest on my laurels. So let’s examine some of the other issues I feel other candidates have failed to address:
- People will need a special license to drive in rain or snow.
- The term boneless wings will be declared unconstitutional because wings have bones.
- All political discussion and debate will take adopt the formula of ESPN’s “Pardon the Interruption” where the host details at the end all of the factual errors the participants have made.
- The primetime lineups for network television will require approval from a special commission which will include Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Jon Hamm, Tina Fey and Adam Scott. However, I get the final say.
- Citizens will get the right to deface any business sign which misuses punctuation.
- No more Bluetooth earpieces in public. If you’re that important, they can wait to talk to you.
- Bigger bags of peanuts and the whole can of soda without asking on airplanes.
- People working at movie theatres will have to use air quotes when they ask if you want “butter” on your popcorn.
I will probably come up with more over time, but I can’t see how someone else can get a jump on me in the polls up against that slate of ideas. I also still support free lollipops at all times and think we should all have the right to a free ice cream cone when we’re having a bad day.
So you now have the power to start the momentum behind this campaign. Do you want to talk about fiscal policy and environmental regulations or do you want some ice cream? The choice is yours.
Good point, Lonnie, but I will also hold to my earlier pledge of No Basic Cable so people will have more than enough channels to watch stuff.
I’m pretty sure science would agree with me that if we all had an ice cream cone we could turn this global climate change thing around!
I’d be behind you 100% but you do have some sketchy network TV shows you love and a guy has to base his belief in a candidate on something. Sure as hell cannot argue with a single thing in your platform though.