I read the other day that the French voted against the proposed European constitution. The Dutch have also voted against it, but the first move pretty much doomed the document from ever being adopted. At first, I wanted to rail against the French for being stupid and ruining everything for the rest of the world, just like they always do. Then I realized that the problem didn’t lie with the French. Well, not the whole problem because we can pretty much assign a little bit of blame for everything to the French.

That’s what makes them the French.

Anyway, the real problem with the entire situation is that the Europeans relied on their own kind to write the constitution. They need Americans to come up with the guiding principles for Europe’s future.

Here are five proposals that will make Europe stronger for decades to come. If you can’t agree with these, there’s pretty much no hope for unity on the continent.

Mandatory showers: Seriously, folks. This is one of those stereotypes rooted in reality. Would it kill you to rinse off in the mornings? This actually isn’t a problem all across Europe, but some people are ruining the reputation of others. If you want to be one big happy family, wouldn’t you prefer not to be known as the family that smelled bad?

Mustard: Maria and I traveled to England six years ago for one last childless vacation. At one pub, I ordered a burger for lunch. I went to the bar to get some mustard and was told that they “don’t do mustard.” I couldn’t believe it. How could you not have mustard? And, how could a unified Europe encompass a country that doesn’t “do mustard” (England) and one that can count Dijon mustard as one of it’s only real contributions to the world?

You guys have to get your stuff together on mustard in this constitution. How can we expect you to solve issues like world trade if you can’t agree on the need for mustard on a hamburger?

Chilled drinks: I know that the whole warm beer thing is pretty much a myth, but you could make the keg a tad bit colder. And God forbid you try to get a drink with ice in London.

No more picking up our women with your accents: The jig is up, guys. You overcome the lack of showering with those accents that drive American women wild. You want a unified continent? Knock it off. We have enough trouble getting women to like us – we’re American men for Pete’s sake – and you guys have to dangle that carrot out there. And when we try to impress them with a faux accent, we just sound stupid. So cut us some slack and keep your mouth shut, stinky.

Holland or The Netherlands? Pick one: How hard is it to have one name for your country? Sure, we can be called a few things, but they all pretty much derive from the full name of our country. This whole Holland/Netherlands thing is like me saying, “Hi, my name is Brian, but you can call me Steve.” Pick a name and stick with it.

There you go, five proposals that should get serous consideration if Europe really wants to be considered unified.

You can thank me later.