Apparently, the people in charge in the Netherlands have the funny feeling that new immigrants to the country have a little bit of trouble adapting to their liberal ways. They have developed a new immigration test that will try and make sure people entering the country have a grip on how things work in Holland. Oh, then there’s the video.
The government gives all new candidates for immigration a two-hour movie that sheds light on things that are normal to Dutch citizens, but not so much to those entering the country, particularly from Muslim countries.
I don’t want to use this space to argue the values of showing a video with a woman sunbathing topless or two men kissing. That’s for the freaky, deaky Dutch to decide.
We need to make our immigration test better.
The government already has a test that ensures those seeking U.S. citizenship learn about our the history of our country. But do they test them on things that matter in day-to-day life?
I seriously doubt that. It doesn’t matter what country immigrants come from or why they want to move to America. They need to understand what 21st century American living means.
That means fewer questions about the Constitution and a greater focus on the things that make us such a great country.
They should have to fill out an NCAA basketball pool. What’s more important to American society today – knowing how many senators are in Congress or knowing whether North Carolina getting to the Final Four will win you some money?
But we shouldn’t limit sports questions to college hoops. Every person applying for citizenship should have to sit at a table holding a Red Sox and a Yankees cap. If they reach for either one, they get shipped back to their homeland, toot sweet.
Those lucky enough to pass that test will get to enjoy a steaming plate of delicious Buffalo wings. They will be offered blue cheese or ranch dressing as a dipping sauce. We all know what happens to people who choose ranch dressing in this situation. It isn’t pretty.
We do need to know more about potential citizens than their understanding of sports and fine finger foods, however. We need to know what they will do with the new wealth they will realize as an American citizen.
Every applicant should be dropped off at a Wal-Mart at 3 a.m. with $50. If they come back with food, video games or DVDs, they move on to the next challenge. If they buy clothes or towels or something else practical, the game is over.
The survivors will spend the following morning on the Washington, D.C. Beltway during rush hour. They will have an hour to go ten miles. Good luck with that.
After the ride is over, they will get treated to a movie that will introduce them to everything America represents. If they don’t come out of “Caddyshack” laughing, they can enjoy the plane ride home.
That’s how you do it! That’s how you assimilate new Americans.