I can’t stand Halloween. Not because people in Hanover have managed to turn the holiday into a week-long celebration. Not because I have to explain the unique trick-or-treat setup to all my non-Hanover friends. Not because my daughter gets all the candy and I get jack.
I can’t stand Halloween because I can never come up with a good costume.
This isn’t anything new. I have had this problem ever since I was a kid.
I remember showing up to a school-sponsored Halloween event in fifth grade or so. I had come up with the bright idea of dressing as the Unknown Comic.
My classmates and the people judging apparently weren’t big fans of “The Gong Show.” For years, I blamed my siblings for turning me onto that show. Now, I realize it was just the start of a string of disastrous decisions.
There was my freshman year in college when I shoved a pillow up my shirt and went as Norm Peterson from “Cheers.” I planned to just drink beer all night so it seemed appropriate. Nobody got the joke.
The next year, I bought a surgical scrubs top with my fraternity’s letters on it and dressed up as the house doctor. Nobody was amused.
I don’t even remember what I did the next two years. My fraternity had an incredible Halloween party so the standards were pretty high.
The year I went as the doctor, a bunch of freshman showed up as the Fruit of the Loom guys. They didn’t just put those fruit things on their heads, they wore t-shirts and boxers. And the made a huge pair of “underwear” that they walked around inside of all until the shorts split.
Now that’s a Halloween costume.
After graduating college, I really didn’t have to worry about dressing up. I didn’t know anyone who had a Halloween party so I could just ignore the whole thing as much as I could.
Then I started my current job. Someone in my department organizes the Halloween potluck and makes a big deal out of getting people to dress up.
The first year, I came as a soccer player. That was easy – I have shorts and some jerseys. But I had to expose my legs and that felt strange considering I had just started the job 10 days earlier.
The second year, I came as a hunter. I ripped this idea off some guys in college who came as rednecks after buying hunting gear, toy guns and some red face paint, which they spread across their necks.
That kind of thing goes over a lot better at a fraternity party than in the workplace, so I just got some hunting orange. This time, a few people laughed.
Things got a little better last year when I went as a cowboy. I had bought an incredibly gaudy Western shirt for another event and pulled that out for the party. People liked it, but there was another cowboy.
I want to be unique. I want to be the person with the costume everyone remembers.
Hopefully, Daniel LaRusso from “Karate Kid” will make that happen. I just hope nobody comes dressed as Johnny Lawrence.