A little more than three years ago, I laid out a bold plan for a Shea presidency. I had just turned 35, and the election was just about a month away when I threw my hat in the ring.
As you can tell, the people ignored my progressive agenda. They didn’t care about free ice cream cones for children, the elimination of all televisions under 30 inches, and a national edict for pizza at dinner every Friday.
That has not fazed me. This time, I will have just under a year to spread the word about why I should be the next resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
At least I think I want to live there. I might commute. That would probably be bad policy with the insane gas prices, but I really enjoy listening to the radio in the morning. Plus, I have put some work into the basement here that I wouldn’t want to go to waste.
We could use our house as sort of a vacation home, but it doesn’t sound impressive when the President drives two hours to get away from work. Plus, we don’t have a compound or anything, and I think the Constitution requires that or a ranch for your second home.
Anyway, I have a lot of time to decide all that stuff. I have a lot of important promises I need to make to the people before I start worrying about the details.
I will promise that you will know everything about me. I already told the world about the time I tumbled down Federal Hill in Baltimore. You won’t have to worry about secret backroom deals because I have a serious inability to keep my mouth shut.
And that will make the press conferences much more fun, especially when I go into a tangent about what I watched on TV the night before. I won’t ignore important things like foreign policy, but more people are probably interested in my take on the latest episode of “Kid Nation” more than some treaty with France or Japan.
Here are a few other things I will set out to do after I win the election next year:
- I will immediately set up a commission to approve all names for new children. Rampant misuse of the letter Y and other issues will be discussed.
- The day after the Super Bowl will become a national holiday.
- All Christmas shopping will be banned until the Saturday after Thanksgiving. This will allow us to enjoy the holiday season and eliminate the madness of Black Friday.
- Four-day workweeks.
- Only girls under 12 and women working in their garden can wear Crocs. Boys caught wearing them will be sent to a re-education camp. I don’t even want to discuss what will happen to men caught wearing them.
- I will install Neil Diamond’s “America” as our new national anthem. I know this is a holdover from my 2004 campaign, but it’s that important.
I have a lot of other ideas, but this should set the political world on fire. Don’t look for me in any of the debates, though. If Hillary and Rudy want to compare our positions on Social Security, they can come down and have a drink in the basement with me.
Rick would be a suitable running mate. But only if he untucks his shirt when wearing jeans.
Shea is pretty cool and he’d make a good president but you are over looking the best possible presidential candidate Rick Astely. Check out my blog and it shows an outline of his policies and the improvements he’d make in the world.
I’d prefer to get pelted with chicken wings.
I dunno friend.
You’re going to get crushed by most pro-women/feminist organizations.
Don’t you know that Super Bowl day is the single worst day for domestic violence in the United States–every year? So making the day after a national holiday, I dunno it really sounds like inviting disaster.
I also heard the “Croc Wearing Male Gardner Association” teamed up with WOW or something to come after you.
I’ll vote for you, but I hope you don’t get assassinated or pelleted with tomatoes.